Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
