Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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