she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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