Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
