You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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