She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
