I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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