i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
