I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
