Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
