Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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