Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We're too hungover to prance.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
