I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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