I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
