Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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