my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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