since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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