Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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