just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
