Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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