Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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