just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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