my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Help. Why am I so naked?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
