He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
