I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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