just survived the first fart of the relationship.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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