god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
