My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i need to put some appletini on your dick
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
