make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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