im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
