I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
