That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
