I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
