I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
