Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
