Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
