I accidentally had phone sex last night
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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