There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
