Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
