i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
