I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
