My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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