He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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