Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
