Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
