also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
