If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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