Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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