I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
