I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
