upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
