i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
