I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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