Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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