there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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