today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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