two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
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